Thomas Moronic

Pretend it's not Summer

2009-07-11T00:00:00.000+01:00

I’m dreading the day
That the summer
Starts doing impressions
Of your shadow.

I've promised myself
not to try and talk
to your ghost.

Pretend this never
happened, pretend
you can't hear me
missing you.

This isn't about a haunted house

2009-07-10T00:00:00.000+01:00

Keep thinking of the white walls.
Keep thinking of the clean smells.
Keep thinking of people asleep.
Keep thinking of polite smiles
From people who never look each
other in the eye properly.

Do you realise how blind you've become?

2009-07-09T00:00:00.002+01:00

"At the moment, I'm happy doing what I'm doing."
"Do you care that it's making me unhappy?"
That's when he laughed: "No." More laughter, not sure what words to relate it properly. Imagine something that surprises you, appalls you and makes you uncomfortable.
"Do you know what you just said?"
"I'm quite happy doing what I'm doing at the moment."
"Don't you get bored of lying?"
"I'm not lying."
"Do you really mean that you don't care that what you're doing is making me unhappy?"
"You're starting to annoy me; fuck off."
realise

Untitled

2009-07-08T00:00:00.001+01:00

Could be anytime.
You came, and stopped caring
and you know that you've never
touched me
like I've touched you.

Nothing

2009-07-07T00:00:00.002+01:00

I pulled a couple
of shitty fingers out
and sucked on them.

They tasted like nothing.

The smell
is really
deceiving sometimes.

Maybe there just
wasn't much
on them.

It was almost like
he'd fallen asleep, only
his dreams were interactive.

He turned his head
and gave me
the closest thing
to a smile
that he could muster
from that angle
and in his condition.

From the way
his smile registered,
I think I just stared back,
I couldn't say,
I wasn't paying attention
to my own body; sometimes
I virtually forget
that it's even there.

I spent three hours trying to convince myself not to

2009-07-06T00:00:00.005+01:00

Shakes

2009-07-05T00:52:00.001+01:00

She never felt more eloquent;
Than falling onto her boyfriend's bed,
Dizzy and trembling from MDMA
Shakes,
Able to embrace a selfishness
She usually tries to hide.

My relationship with the act of screaming:

2009-07-04T00:00:00.001+01:00

Artificial light and air conditioning
Gloomy sexual 1980s gigs I’ll picture
But never be inside of.
SCREAMING for people in the
Front room to stop shouting,
I always had nightmares about
The same painting we used to have
Up
Just above the fake fireplace, the
Plastic logs that had lightbulbs
Underneath.
I don’t know when that painting
Got taken down
It was a shadow of a man
Carrying something from a farmhouse
Caught fire.
Times I’ve SCREAMED, rare but fun.
With friends, in front of strangers,
Mainly inside buildings, specific
Rooms, downstairs when I used to
Drink and tape record that stuff,
Creative purposes, making a point,
Flesh can SCREAM too, I’ve never
Held onto people for as long as
I’d like to. I’ve felt some of them
Inside out, until it felt like we both
Disappeared.

Although other bands are always saying hi, the heart of my ears will always belong to Sonik Truth

2009-07-03T00:00:00.002+01:00

Subtext to 19 year old pop princess

2009-07-02T00:00:00.000+01:00

You ever hear a song
On the radio and get
Confused because the
DJ seemed to not even
Notice that even though
The words were about
Love, sunshine, betrayal,
Nightclubs, drinking, sex;
The actual song was about
Some girl getting a whole
Hand put so deep inside
Her that it could wrap
Around her inner organs
And squeeze shit out of
Her soul. Just something
I happened to realise
When someone was
Driving me to work.

The good fucked up 2nd Draft/revised version

2009-07-01T00:00:00.008+01:00

I’m watching a boy on an escalator. He’s about my age, maybe a little younger (maybe more than a little; it always forget that stuff – I don’t think I’ll ever catch up with myself). He looks tired, but when he walks off and past a couple of emo looking girls – who are pretty much all perfect skinny legs apart from their amazing eyes and cheekbones that make you feel like a camera held from above no matter where you stand – he perks up in this really complicated way. It’s like his body’s way of dealing with its horniness is to take everything in but process it so that he looks more apathetic than before. He slouches upright, all these physical contradictions; cocks his head a little bit, lets his wood brown hair flop over his eyes. It looks like he’s attempting to set off a kind of radar – one that emphasises fucked-upness but it’s ok because it’s genuine. It only comes to the surface so easily because it’s really there. I think I’m trying to say that it isn’t an act. And if it is then it’s just a projection, like someone on a stage that already has a voice but is trying to get it to the people at the back – it’s still the same voice – like I said: a projection. It isn’t a fabrication. As his eyes rip up the stockings and short black skirt and skinny black jeans as the girls go up the escalator I realise that this is an intensely genuine interaction.

The girls must have spotted him. I want to step inside their heads, see how they’re moving his body, how they imagine it to be under his black metal t-shirt.

Everyone has their own reference points. It’s impossibly perfect.

The shopping centre feels cold. The fake air and light doesn’t help.

Kleen

2009-06-30T00:00:00.000+01:00

When I retrieved the note for the rubbish bin,
It was almost funny because the word “clean”
Had been spelt with a K and a double E.

The rest of the “To Do” list just made it feel
Really sad.

I’m not going to tell you what the list said.

Mattresses

2009-06-29T00:00:00.000+01:00

One particular section. Right now.
That means you’ve missed it.

It summed things up – a history
Almost.

I’m pretty certain that you’ve told lies
To all of your friends, because I’ve been
Counting a ton of different things that
You have said to people when they’ve
Been holding you down by your hair, so
That you’re almost suffocated into
Wishing that oxygen was made from
Mattresses.

Precision

2009-06-28T00:00:00.002+01:00

About a month ago, or perhaps
Two when I told my dad that I was
Going to have to go on anti-depressents –
Due in no small part to his constant
Fucked-upness –
He laughed.

It’s more to do with his soul
Dying, I think. Less to do with
Him actually thinking that it’s
A funny thing that I’ve been
Driven the spot where I’ve been
Sitting these last few weeks.

You know the locked groove
On the vinyl version of Sonic Youth’s
EVOL? When Expressway to Yr Skull
Just loops endlessly until you take
The record off the turn table (shit:
You could do it till the needle wares
Away completely – just a thought)
?

Maybe this is like that but less
Joyous. Less about becoming
Inspired/more about being taken
Apart in little grains of sand.

*

2009-06-27T00:00:00.002+01:00

nothing to do with senses
nothing to do with seeing
nothing to do with looking
nothing to do with taking in
nothing to do with reaching out

Lamp

2009-06-26T00:00:00.000+01:00

Spent the evening
Sitting in what was
Her corner.
It's the one with
The lamp
That's never turned
On anymore,
Like he won't let
Any light
Illuminate her,
Let these memories
Become a blindspot.

Sever

2009-06-25T00:00:00.005+01:00

Modify the room.
Find someone else to write about you.
I’m sick of making you feel interesting.
I know that you’ll never let me have what I want.
Those morning conversations;
Set yourself up –
You want to be this mirror that will
Never catch its own reflection.

2009-06-24T00:00:00.002+01:00

Today would have been my mother's birthday. This is the first one since she died. I'm not really sure how it's going to feel. It's strange - some days that feel like they might hold a certain resonance or evoke a certain sadness, well, they just don't sometimes; but then others - days that mean nothing, that should feel fairly innocuous, can be hell, pure sadness, empty, lost. So I can't really second guess what today will mean. I guess I'll find out what, if anything, as the hours go by. With the stuff with my father continuing as it has been, I'm dreading it. I don't want to sound selfish, but I wish I was in a position that would allow me to try and deal with my own mourning today.

2009-06-23T00:00:00.002+01:00

Yesterday I'd gone for a drink with a friend after work. We were making our way from one place to another when my brother called asking me to get home as quickly as I could because there were problems with my dad again.

When I got home, I found my dad trying to stagger up the stairs to his bed. He'd pissed himself, and he'd shit himself.

After consulting an on call doctor we were told to call an ambulance. When the paramedics turned up they checked out my dad. The short of it was that he'd been drinking all day. He denied this as usual. But it was clear. The ambulance staff said that they had scene the scenario a million times before. Without his consent, which due to his persistent denial they could obtain - they were unable to take his to hospital.

He just wanted to be left alone. They tried and I tried to talk him into going in the ambulance, just to get checked out. He refused, so eventually after a lot of discussion, they had to leave.

Tomorrow I'll need to try and leave work early if I can, and get home before the local doctor's surgery closes, and see if I can make an appointment. My father needs counselling and some sort of bereavement therapy urgently, so we need to be referred. I've tried to get him to a doctor before, but he has refused and at other times simply lied about going to appointments, told me that he had gone and never bothered.

I'm so worn out by all of this. Tomorrow would be my mother's birthday. It will be the first since she died. I need an upswing really soon. I keep trying.

Comeoncomeoncomeontellmewhatyouwannahear

2009-06-22T00:00:00.000+01:00

It took you six days
And I was counting.

thinking aloud

2009-06-21T00:00:00.001+01:00

There’s something about bigsnake4u’s photo that made me feel a little sick in this way that I can’t quite put my finger on. It almost makes me nervy. Weird. I guess there’s just something very arresting about the look on his face, something tragic, something really sad. It made me feel a little jumpy, which kinda freaked me out, but I guess I’ll have an interesting time trying to work out. There’s a tiny glimpse of someone else in the photo – right at the side, a tiny bit of someone’s flesh, maybe wearing a basket ball top of something. For no reason I can think of, it’s got something really mid-90s about the photo. I get this overriding feeling from the picture of something sincere that didn’t quite make it. I think I might write a little more about it maybe, maybe work something into a poem.

Distortion

2009-06-20T00:00:00.001+01:00

A child's eye opened,
A face in the water,
Distorted in the most
natural way.
From now you're just
static, a missed signal,
something for people
to try and remember.

Me as a zombie

2009-06-19T00:00:00.005+01:00

My friend Sian is making a zombie film and she needed someone to test out the makeup on. And so:

9 examples from the strange world of fan art*

2009-06-18T00:00:00.015+01:00

Hanson

Jay-Z

The Jonas Brothers

Lindsay Lohan

Dani Filth

A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell

Joey and Chandler

Andy Warhol

Conan O'Brien

*Just a quick explanation for this perhaps incongruous (perhaps not) seeming post: these are some pictures that I was looking at as research for a piece of writing I have been thinking about for a while, that I might, or might not write at some point in the future. It's connected to the slash fiction and Hanson fan fiction posts that I did a while back. Some people might not find it very interesting, which is fine. But as regular readers know, I like to use this places as a scrap book sometimes, so - voila. Take a look at some slightly odd drawings for the day, and let your minds wander.

New ideas 125

2009-06-17T00:00:00.001+01:00

- What? What do you mean?
- It’s just a saying – haven’t you heard people say that before?
- Who says it?
- I dunno. People just do.
- It’s crazy – like suicide, right?
- Yeah I guess … but it isn’t actually about that.
- It’s weird that it doesn’t really mean what the words themselves actually mean.
- Yeah. I think that’s like everything though.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. People hardly ever mean the things that they say. They mean things, but it’s like there’s a gap between what they say and that they actually mean.
- Yeah. Do you think that’s why everyone is so fucked up?
- Maybe. It probably has a lot to do with it.
- But I guess there are a million reasons for that.
- Yeah, probably.
- Do you feel fucked up?
- Do you think I’m fucked up?
- I don’t know – you’re not here. I only have pictures in my head to go on. It seems like that’s probably not the right way to do it.
- Have a guess – I don’t mind. I won’t feel like you’re … I dunno … being unfair about me or anything …
- I think I kinda presume that you must be fucked up a little bit. And I know it sounds weird but I think that that’s probably half of the reason why I feel so attracted to you.
- I sometimes think that’s the only reason why people are attracted to me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- I can just tell. People assume I’m fucked up. And it makes them want to have me.
- Have people told you that?
- You have.
- I mean other people.
- Not really. Not how you have. Some have said almost the same things. Most of the time I can just tell by the way people act. The things they say to me. How they act around me.