My dad died this morning. I won't be posting for a few days.
Thomas
Friday, 23 April 2010
Danielle
that mothering instinct
felt floor mesh beneath
wires and scratches
there's a view from
a window that shows
half the street
stripes of clouds
like tv interference
arrows pushing into
each other
continuous strain
missives sent
between large
bars left to
provoke fear
anxious lines of
ex innocence
trained this way
left with new skies
felt floor mesh beneath
wires and scratches
there's a view from
a window that shows
half the street
stripes of clouds
like tv interference
arrows pushing into
each other
continuous strain
missives sent
between large
bars left to
provoke fear
anxious lines of
ex innocence
trained this way
left with new skies
Thursday, 22 April 2010
Where I left you
I’d been standing
at the urinal
for a long time.
It was a giveaway.
The man two spaces
away had been there
when I arrived.
Even more of a giveaway.
When whoever was washing
his hands behind us
buzzed them under the hand dryer
and left,
I clocked my neighbour
without turning my head,
letting my eyes
not so secretly point
diagonally down.
I left when I guy
Came in with his
Daughter, didn’t want her
To go into the Ladies alone.
I got out, thought about his wife.
Later I was in taxi
Home from a friend’s.
I made up things about my life
That never happened.
The driver told me about people
Who’d he’d picked up
In recent nights.
He assumed a couple of
Things about me, which
I didn’t put right, so
Ended up telling me
How he’d got a handjob
From a girl who didn’t
Want to pay, said he
Could do that everynight,
And that he’d die in
Poverty but full of
The horn.
I guessed he was making
Up stuff too.
at the urinal
for a long time.
It was a giveaway.
The man two spaces
away had been there
when I arrived.
Even more of a giveaway.
When whoever was washing
his hands behind us
buzzed them under the hand dryer
and left,
I clocked my neighbour
without turning my head,
letting my eyes
not so secretly point
diagonally down.
I left when I guy
Came in with his
Daughter, didn’t want her
To go into the Ladies alone.
I got out, thought about his wife.
Later I was in taxi
Home from a friend’s.
I made up things about my life
That never happened.
The driver told me about people
Who’d he’d picked up
In recent nights.
He assumed a couple of
Things about me, which
I didn’t put right, so
Ended up telling me
How he’d got a handjob
From a girl who didn’t
Want to pay, said he
Could do that everynight,
And that he’d die in
Poverty but full of
The horn.
I guessed he was making
Up stuff too.
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Too kind
My hands were shaking
Felt blood
Rattling round like
It had turned solid
Vomit hints in my neck
Piss cracks through
The leak in my shoes
Recognize that gaze
Shifts in bravery
Turns at trembling
Slides over
Make the most of this
Leave when the breath
Feels too kind
Felt blood
Rattling round like
It had turned solid
Vomit hints in my neck
Piss cracks through
The leak in my shoes
Recognize that gaze
Shifts in bravery
Turns at trembling
Slides over
Make the most of this
Leave when the breath
Feels too kind
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Monday, 19 April 2010
A safe place
Jase21 - Anyone about?
May 4th 2009
Guest444 - Ime just repeating the advice I gave on here last June. This is just not a safe place to cruise for sex!!
I would hate to hear of anyone getting into trouble at this location.
May 3rd 2009
Jase21 - Am in the woods right now. No one around. Will stay for another hour then go home.
April 30th 2009
Jase21 - Been quiet here recently. anyone about?
April 13th 2009
Wolf69 - i bet that was cold though lol
Feb 11th 2009
Jase21-I met crazedfilth here this evening. We found a nice quiet spot and sucked and wanked each other off till we both shot out cum into the bushes. Very horny and very fun.
Feb 10th 2009
May 4th 2009
Guest444 - Ime just repeating the advice I gave on here last June. This is just not a safe place to cruise for sex!!
I would hate to hear of anyone getting into trouble at this location.
May 3rd 2009
Jase21 - Am in the woods right now. No one around. Will stay for another hour then go home.
April 30th 2009
Jase21 - Been quiet here recently. anyone about?
April 13th 2009
Wolf69 - i bet that was cold though lol
Feb 11th 2009
Jase21-I met crazedfilth here this evening. We found a nice quiet spot and sucked and wanked each other off till we both shot out cum into the bushes. Very horny and very fun.
Feb 10th 2009
Sunday, 18 April 2010
Summer holes
The room felt
the same wherever
you stood.
You’d turn
and
there’d be
the same nausea.
You could think
about spinning
with your eyes shut,
but you know
as soon as you stopped,
blood rushing
would curve nothing;
the stars
in your vision
reduced to nil
seeking attention
like gnats
storming from summer holes.
the same wherever
you stood.
You’d turn
and
there’d be
the same nausea.
You could think
about spinning
with your eyes shut,
but you know
as soon as you stopped,
blood rushing
would curve nothing;
the stars
in your vision
reduced to nil
seeking attention
like gnats
storming from summer holes.
Saturday, 17 April 2010
Fragment 8
“Seriously,” Smudge stops. She’s staring Michael right in the face. He can’t believe how close their faces are. The music, the world, everything else has seemed to stop of disappear. “Seriously,” her face looks cute, puzzled, maybe slightly frustrated by Michael’s lack of enthusiasm or spark? “Is everything ok?” Michael forces himself to snap back in life.
“Yeah, sorry. Just tripping. Haha. I’m cool.”
“Good,” Smudge smiles.
There’s a sudden crash, bang. The sound smashes up whatever moment Michael and Smudge were having.
“What the fuck was that?” Smudge stands up straight. She looks kinda feline. A cat trying to access a situation. Michael falls over in fright. Some stuff gets knocked off a bookshelf.
Smudge grabs Michael’s arm, which forces him to stand up. She quickly leads him out of the room and into the hallway corridor. Smudge starts banging on the bathroom door.
“Hey! Robert! are you ok?”
There’s a moment of total silence.
The bathroom door opens. Robert looks like he’s been asleep. His hair is messed up and his eyes look tired and glazed over.
Smudge: “Hmmm … having fun in there?”
Robert: “I feel weird.”
Smudge: “Well if you’ve finished making loud noises maybe you should try just lying down for a little bit.”
Smudge leads Robert down the hallway corridor and into one of the bedrooms. Michael walks behind feeling freaked out and jealous in this way that he really resents feeling, he feels bad for wanting Smudge when he knows how close she and Robert are.
“Just lay down here for a minute honey,” Smudge fluffs up a pillow and flattens out the bed. Robert clumsily climbs on.
Smudge: “How’s the trip going for you?”
Robert opens his eyes and sees Smudge leaning over him smiling, like she’s willing him on to have a good time, for everything in his world to feel nice. His vision is blurry. It’s like he’s looking at her through a dusty kaleidoscope.
“I really feel …” it feels like the words splinter apart as they leave Robert’s mouth. He doesn’t finish the sentence. Smudge leans over and kisses him gently. Michael watches and feels a rush of jealousy, sadness, arousal, all run through him at once. He feels guilty for being jealous.
“Yeah, sorry. Just tripping. Haha. I’m cool.”
“Good,” Smudge smiles.
There’s a sudden crash, bang. The sound smashes up whatever moment Michael and Smudge were having.
“What the fuck was that?” Smudge stands up straight. She looks kinda feline. A cat trying to access a situation. Michael falls over in fright. Some stuff gets knocked off a bookshelf.
Smudge grabs Michael’s arm, which forces him to stand up. She quickly leads him out of the room and into the hallway corridor. Smudge starts banging on the bathroom door.
“Hey! Robert! are you ok?”
There’s a moment of total silence.
The bathroom door opens. Robert looks like he’s been asleep. His hair is messed up and his eyes look tired and glazed over.
Smudge: “Hmmm … having fun in there?”
Robert: “I feel weird.”
Smudge: “Well if you’ve finished making loud noises maybe you should try just lying down for a little bit.”
Smudge leads Robert down the hallway corridor and into one of the bedrooms. Michael walks behind feeling freaked out and jealous in this way that he really resents feeling, he feels bad for wanting Smudge when he knows how close she and Robert are.
“Just lay down here for a minute honey,” Smudge fluffs up a pillow and flattens out the bed. Robert clumsily climbs on.
Smudge: “How’s the trip going for you?”
Robert opens his eyes and sees Smudge leaning over him smiling, like she’s willing him on to have a good time, for everything in his world to feel nice. His vision is blurry. It’s like he’s looking at her through a dusty kaleidoscope.
“I really feel …” it feels like the words splinter apart as they leave Robert’s mouth. He doesn’t finish the sentence. Smudge leans over and kisses him gently. Michael watches and feels a rush of jealousy, sadness, arousal, all run through him at once. He feels guilty for being jealous.
Friday, 16 April 2010
My earliest memory
The earliest memory I have is from when I was about 3 years old. It was my first day at playschool. I remember my mother walking me up the grey concrete steps that led to a blank looking mobile classroom set upon a slight slope. I remember walking deep into the room and staring at all the other kids. Then I remember turning round and seeing my mother waving goodbye. I thought that was it, that my mother was going to leave me forever. That I was alone, that I was here with all these other children that I didn't know. I don't recall my exact thought process but I wonder if it was something to do with knowing I was adopted, and thinking ah no, I'm being given away again. I cried when my mother left. I can't make out the face, but I know that an adult, a lady with blonde (?) hair tried to comfort me, but I remember stomping away from her, inconsolable. Another kid handed me a He Man action figure. I threw it on the floor. I clearly remember seeing a little girl looking scared or unsure of me. I accidentally bumped into a bookshelf, which almost toppled. Some of the adults told me off, thinking that I'd bashed into it on purpose. Don't remember anything else after that.
Thursday, 15 April 2010
The messenger
Takes me to the back of the room
And tells me not to get cum on his
Clothes, in the same voice that
He used when he told me he wanted
Me to stroke his balls. It’s like
If a robot’s speech patterns got
Set on the “erotic” mode. Change
Rooms when we start to get cold.
Rub faces and cheeks and breath
Loudly into each other’s ears, but
Never kiss. Made sure to aim my
Spurt onto the chairs, the carpet,
But not his clothes.
And tells me not to get cum on his
Clothes, in the same voice that
He used when he told me he wanted
Me to stroke his balls. It’s like
If a robot’s speech patterns got
Set on the “erotic” mode. Change
Rooms when we start to get cold.
Rub faces and cheeks and breath
Loudly into each other’s ears, but
Never kiss. Made sure to aim my
Spurt onto the chairs, the carpet,
But not his clothes.
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
Curious
Jeez, thought the kid,
Nature looks so fake sometimes.
That blood
Is the wrong colour;
That’s not what a
Smashed in ribcage
Is meant to look like.
The kid shuffled
A few steps sideways,
Navigated her way
Round the heap of trouble
That had made her day
Feel so curious.
Where do I go now?
She didn’t realise how
Loaded her thoughts would
Seem if some waster was
To record them, write them
Down, maybe even read them aloud.
What’s that supposed to be?
If someone had a fingernail
Taken off it would have sound
Effects way different to that –
Shriek? Something else
Caught her attention. Night,
Or daylight, or the sun, or,
Some thing else.
Nature looks so fake sometimes.
That blood
Is the wrong colour;
That’s not what a
Smashed in ribcage
Is meant to look like.
The kid shuffled
A few steps sideways,
Navigated her way
Round the heap of trouble
That had made her day
Feel so curious.
Where do I go now?
She didn’t realise how
Loaded her thoughts would
Seem if some waster was
To record them, write them
Down, maybe even read them aloud.
What’s that supposed to be?
If someone had a fingernail
Taken off it would have sound
Effects way different to that –
Shriek? Something else
Caught her attention. Night,
Or daylight, or the sun, or,
Some thing else.
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
Air feels new
Almost looks like a riot;
As you get closer it changes.
Sliding down the bank
In the dark, losing track
Of anything everyday.
Air feels new, more than
Anything and most important
The air feels honest.
People have lit bonfires
On the sloped sides
Of the hills.
Couple of shadows with
Hoods pulled up skate down,
Tumbling like someone hit
Fast forward as they trip
Onto the ground – the beauty
Is that they knew they
Wouldn’t be able to pull off
The tricks they were
Attempting, which spurred
Them on even more –
Glorious failures in the night,
Snapping shots of laughter,
Sound tracking the moments
When the sky goes through
A flicker book of blues
Until it hits the greys and blacks;
All perfect, all promised.
As you get closer it changes.
Sliding down the bank
In the dark, losing track
Of anything everyday.
Air feels new, more than
Anything and most important
The air feels honest.
People have lit bonfires
On the sloped sides
Of the hills.
Couple of shadows with
Hoods pulled up skate down,
Tumbling like someone hit
Fast forward as they trip
Onto the ground – the beauty
Is that they knew they
Wouldn’t be able to pull off
The tricks they were
Attempting, which spurred
Them on even more –
Glorious failures in the night,
Snapping shots of laughter,
Sound tracking the moments
When the sky goes through
A flicker book of blues
Until it hits the greys and blacks;
All perfect, all promised.
Monday, 12 April 2010
Fragment 7
We’re looking for things to hold onto. Our friends seem like the best things that we can find. I’m starting to forget. I’m pretty sure that soon I won’t even know who I am. It’s starting to get so cold. I don’t mean normal cold. I don’t mean the cold that you get outside, or the cold that you feel when it snows. I’m talking about a different cold. This cold is a lot deeper. It’s definitely inside. It’s buried. It feels like it should be lost, but just doesn’t want to be left alone. The thing with how cold things can start to feel is … I dunno … it’s confusing … the thing I hate is how things just start to get lost – important things. But because we’re pretty much fucked anyway. Sometimes it feels like we’re clinging onto things even when it’s too late to have them. Because sometimes things can still be so good. I mean really good. Awesome, amazing. But they just disappear so quickly. Sometimes I only realise how great things are after they’re gone. After the moments have burnt up. After they’ve died. There’s a constant sadness. It never shifts. It’s always there, even when something good is happening. Maybe it needs to be there. Maybe it’s binary. Suppose it wasn’t there; perhaps the good stuff wouldn’t seem as good anymore. If that’s true … I dunno … it just seems slightly sick, you know? To need that sadness.
Sunday, 11 April 2010
Saturday, 10 April 2010
Fragment 6
Robert stands in the bathroom staring at the mirror. He sees his face in front of him, with this blurry dreamy mist floating across it, obscuring his image slightly, like faint clouds of vapour drifting across the glass. The longer he stares, the more the vapour begins to look like some kind of film, or a membrane or something. It looks like something his fingers might be able to tear through. He lifts a hand and thinks about the touching the mirror but changes his mind just before his fingers touch the glass.
Friday, 9 April 2010
Fragment 5
“Maybe we should go and see how Robert’s doing?” Michael didn’t mean that; he was just testing the water, trying to gage Smudge’s reaction.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Fuck yeah! Look!” Smudge isn’t listening. She’s in the corner of the room with her back to Michael, messing with something that he can’t make out.
Michael moves closer to Smudge. She spins round and opens both of her hands out. They’re glowing. Tiny intricate hairline threads, a thousand or something – all different sparkling colours, are shooting up and down from her palms. It looks electricity but more fun. Thousands of tiny showers of buzzing light.
“Can you see that?!?”
“I think so yeah …” Michael can see crazy lights in Smudge’s hands, sure, probably totally different to what she’s seeing, but he can see them. He looks at her eyes, and sees his version of the lights trickling around. Fucking … perfect … he thinks. It feels like they’re sharing something. Probably best not to mention Robert again …
“Hey – what did you say about Robert?”
Shit – did she here that? Did she hear what I … thought?
“Uhh, what?” suddenly Michael’s comfort zone feels a little shaken.
“Just before I showed you the lights – you said something about Robert.”
“Oh yeah,” course she didn’t hear what I was thinking – stop being paranoid. “Uhh … I just said …” he doesn’t want to say it again but he does anyway: “Should we go see how Robert’s doing?”
Smudge looks at Michael and thinks. Michael stares at her eyes, wishes that he could work out what’s going through her head at this exact moment. He can still see traces of the light in her pupils.
“Yeah! Let’s see how he’s doing,” Smudge jumps up. Sometimes it feels like her energy is just fucking endless. She grabs Michael’s hand and pulls him up drags him out the door. His body language can’t help but look totally unenthusiastic.
They go down the hallway and back into the room where they all started off, where they took the drugs. It’s empty but the stereo is still on full blast playing fuzzy noisy sounds to itself. Smudge scans the room.
Instantly distracted, Smudge kneels down in front of the stereo and presses stop on the music. The sudden silence sends a chill through the room. She starts rifling through a pile of CDs on the floor, tossing albums aside, singing tiny only just audible songs to herself as she tries to choose something to listen to. Michael stands awkwardly staring at her as she grabs each new CD, considers it for a mini second and then chucks it to the floor. He looks at her legs. He feels fucked and powerless. Weird mixture of horniness and … despair?
Michael: “So where do you think Robert is?”
Smudge: “Oh yeah … must be in the bathroom. We can check in a bit. He’s probably just chilling out for a minute or something.”
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Fuck yeah! Look!” Smudge isn’t listening. She’s in the corner of the room with her back to Michael, messing with something that he can’t make out.
Michael moves closer to Smudge. She spins round and opens both of her hands out. They’re glowing. Tiny intricate hairline threads, a thousand or something – all different sparkling colours, are shooting up and down from her palms. It looks electricity but more fun. Thousands of tiny showers of buzzing light.
“Can you see that?!?”
“I think so yeah …” Michael can see crazy lights in Smudge’s hands, sure, probably totally different to what she’s seeing, but he can see them. He looks at her eyes, and sees his version of the lights trickling around. Fucking … perfect … he thinks. It feels like they’re sharing something. Probably best not to mention Robert again …
“Hey – what did you say about Robert?”
Shit – did she here that? Did she hear what I … thought?
“Uhh, what?” suddenly Michael’s comfort zone feels a little shaken.
“Just before I showed you the lights – you said something about Robert.”
“Oh yeah,” course she didn’t hear what I was thinking – stop being paranoid. “Uhh … I just said …” he doesn’t want to say it again but he does anyway: “Should we go see how Robert’s doing?”
Smudge looks at Michael and thinks. Michael stares at her eyes, wishes that he could work out what’s going through her head at this exact moment. He can still see traces of the light in her pupils.
“Yeah! Let’s see how he’s doing,” Smudge jumps up. Sometimes it feels like her energy is just fucking endless. She grabs Michael’s hand and pulls him up drags him out the door. His body language can’t help but look totally unenthusiastic.
They go down the hallway and back into the room where they all started off, where they took the drugs. It’s empty but the stereo is still on full blast playing fuzzy noisy sounds to itself. Smudge scans the room.
Instantly distracted, Smudge kneels down in front of the stereo and presses stop on the music. The sudden silence sends a chill through the room. She starts rifling through a pile of CDs on the floor, tossing albums aside, singing tiny only just audible songs to herself as she tries to choose something to listen to. Michael stands awkwardly staring at her as she grabs each new CD, considers it for a mini second and then chucks it to the floor. He looks at her legs. He feels fucked and powerless. Weird mixture of horniness and … despair?
Michael: “So where do you think Robert is?”
Smudge: “Oh yeah … must be in the bathroom. We can check in a bit. He’s probably just chilling out for a minute or something.”
Thursday, 8 April 2010
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
You will feel no pain
Lapping like severed threads
Upmost attention paid
Like deserving coping strategies
Memorised in kind
Remnants of something missing
Traced back and there’s fire
Upmost attention paid
Like deserving coping strategies
Memorised in kind
Remnants of something missing
Traced back and there’s fire
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
Shaky
Preordained scenes set up
Like remembrances
Cut shaky as if this is the
New dream
Leftovers startled to stops
Nothing glows anymore
Except this one that hidden
Matching up blocked moods
Contour lines built round
Hard heavy breaths
Lungs so tired for death
Fall so hard
You won’t stand again
Whippings of grace
No one can move this
Like remembrances
Cut shaky as if this is the
New dream
Leftovers startled to stops
Nothing glows anymore
Except this one that hidden
Matching up blocked moods
Contour lines built round
Hard heavy breaths
Lungs so tired for death
Fall so hard
You won’t stand again
Whippings of grace
No one can move this
Monday, 5 April 2010
Been trying to hack through the same finger for days
Been trying to hack through
The same finger for days.
It’s turned red
Where the blood’s trapped.
Need to get it off
Now it feels like forever
Since it started to hurt.
Throbbing has gotta be
Trimmed; tried smashing it
On a table under a brick
But just more grazes.
Need to get this finger off.
The same finger for days.
It’s turned red
Where the blood’s trapped.
Need to get it off
Now it feels like forever
Since it started to hurt.
Throbbing has gotta be
Trimmed; tried smashing it
On a table under a brick
But just more grazes.
Need to get this finger off.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
Heat hums static
Heat hums static
Familiar new voices
Clogged up
Tied straight
Missing what you’re supposed
To enjoy
Canned laughter laid with trust
Fed the things
Needed to know
Almost too funny
All things
Stop at once
Tacked together for frights
Future steps sideways
And now you’re home
Familiar new voices
Clogged up
Tied straight
Missing what you’re supposed
To enjoy
Canned laughter laid with trust
Fed the things
Needed to know
Almost too funny
All things
Stop at once
Tacked together for frights
Future steps sideways
And now you’re home
Saturday, 3 April 2010
Tempered
seeing him
looking so
bored drove
me crazy
wanted to
see what
he'd
look like
screaming
fucking
red faced
flushed
wanted to
see sweat
tensed arms
stretched sinew
under me
on top of me
pulling at
everything
he thinks
i might have
biting his
neck
pretending
i could do
what i got
lost thinking
about
i want to
leave a
my mark
i want
him to
leave
scratches
on my
shoulders
fingerprints
round my
waist
seeing him
so bored
looking so
bored drove
me crazy
wanted to
see what
he'd
look like
screaming
fucking
red faced
flushed
wanted to
see sweat
tensed arms
stretched sinew
under me
on top of me
pulling at
everything
he thinks
i might have
biting his
neck
pretending
i could do
what i got
lost thinking
about
i want to
leave a
my mark
i want
him to
leave
scratches
on my
shoulders
fingerprints
round my
waist
seeing him
so bored
Friday, 2 April 2010
Thursday, 1 April 2010
24 hour petrol station
Can’t even tell who
It used to be.
Left dying in sperm
And blood and air
That smells like
The flu.
Separate yourself,
Take a walk,
Use distance like
Medicine and walk
To the 24 hour
Petrol station to
Top up on supplies.
Gonna stay inside
Till it gets dark
Again so lots of sugar,
Coffee, crap that’ll
Stuff up your innards,
Keep you regular
But stodgy. Keep you
Feeling as heavy
As the dread that
Keeps cropping up
In those dreams of yours.
The dreams that
Started all of this.
It used to be.
Left dying in sperm
And blood and air
That smells like
The flu.
Separate yourself,
Take a walk,
Use distance like
Medicine and walk
To the 24 hour
Petrol station to
Top up on supplies.
Gonna stay inside
Till it gets dark
Again so lots of sugar,
Coffee, crap that’ll
Stuff up your innards,
Keep you regular
But stodgy. Keep you
Feeling as heavy
As the dread that
Keeps cropping up
In those dreams of yours.
The dreams that
Started all of this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
