Pacific Blush Interview

One of the best new albums that my ears have been lucky enough to pass onto my brain this year has been Skeletal Gardens by Pacific Garden. Hailing from Fresno – the fifth largest city in California according to Wikipedia – Pacific Blush is the musical alias of multi-talented musician, artist and writer Matt Marcure. This is not Marcure’s first musical outing – and indeed not the first time that his work has been talked of on this blog (I praised an EP by his previous outfit the International Broadcasting Bureau just last month) – but for my tastes, it is certainly his strongest work so far.

Across the twelve tracks that make up the bones and branches of Skeletal Gardens, Marcure creates a mind-twistingly wonderful world that is at times creepy and claustrophobic, like the hangover from an unsettling dream, but also manages to be transcendently hopeful and inspiring. Woven intricately and shaped by various textural layers of humming, trembling sounds, there isn’t another album that I’ve heard this year that sounds anything like Pacific Blush.

I thought it was about time to point a few questions in the direction of the architect behind the Skeletal Gardens:





When did you decide to become Pacific Blush? Are you finished working as the International Broadcasting Bureau now?

I decided to become Pacific Blush like right at the end of recording'Skeletal Gardens,' but I had been thinking of a new band name since the end of recording the 'Memory Lights EP.' And yes, IBB is done, butPacific Blush is basically the same band, though when I changed over to Pacific Blush, the themes to my music/lyrics opened up a lot more.I started to have ideas for lyrics that I would have never allowed or thought of if I was still IBB. Also I'm became a lot more interested in incorporating the beach and things of that nature into my lyrics.

Can you talk a little bit about the recording of Skeletal Gardens? When did you start writing the album? When do you write and record most – in the daytime or at night? Where does a song start for you?

I recorded the whole album with a Tascam dr-07 that my neighbor lentme, which was just awesome of him, and I started writing the album right after I had released the 'Memory lights EP' so like the middle of May. Most of the album I recorded out in my garage or in my bedroom(for the vocals only; usually). 'Skeletal Gardens' actually started out as just a little single that was going to be called 'overcast' with the songs 'winters' and 'overcast.' Which 'overcast' was originally going to be on the completed album, but I could just never make it work for some reason (though it's gonna be on the newest release). It's also the last song I recorded solely with my phone. I would normally write the lyrics at night, and record the music during the daytime. Though it really should be the other way around since it's so hot over here in Fresno. A song starts with me thinking of some line and then just expanding on that. Like for 'Fields of Alice' the song came to me while taking a late night drive with my brother. I just got this picture of somebody running through an orchard, with thousands of rabbits dressed up like the one from Alice in Wonderland, all trying to escape from their lives, from someone they know. When we got back, I just finished writing the lyrics, and then I went and wrote the instrumentals for the song. So I usually start with just a line or concept, and then I try to flesh it out on paper, and then I write the music and record it. Though if I'm stuck on some lyrics I'll just go ahead and write the music for it. Which was the case for 'Dream Collective.'

Do you feel like there are any distinct themes running through thealbum? I ask because when I listen to it there’s a cohesiveness thatseems to resonate from start to finish. To my ears, the songs feellike signposts to certain specific moods or situations. Did youapproach the songs wanting to translate particular feelings into musicor did you approach the songs in a more abstract way, like you werejust creating and feeling the work out as you went?


I think a constant wanting and feeling of loneliness runs throughout the whole album. Loneliness is something I had a lot of trouble with when I was younger, and still kinda do today to some extent. Almost every song has someone wishing for something or they talk about being/feeling alone. Like in 'Skulk Trains' where there are two characters who are both alone or feel left out from their world. The characters are talking at the same time. One of them, the bass heavy one, is really alone, just out somewhere on the side of the street. While the one who's clearer, feels left out from their family and is running away from home. But Yeah, every song is pretty much a signpost to a mood/emotion; I would always go in wanting to evoke a certain emotion/mood within the song. Though sometimes before I would start to write a song, I would decide if the mood should be a little different than I had originally thought, because I really didn't want there to be too many songs with the same exact ambience.

Are there any bands that you think are direct influences on the musicyou’re doing right now? Also, just generally, who have you beenlistening to/reading/watching/etc recently? What’s been inspiring you?

At the moment Deerhunter is the biggest influence, though Animal Collective is huge influence too, actually when I started out as IBB I wanted to sound like every song I wrote was a 'sung tongs' outtake. I've been listening to a lot of Spoon's 'Girls Can Tell' and Deerhunter's 'Rainwater Cassette Exchange' recently, and at the moment I'm listening to JJ's new album 'JJ n° 2' which I'm liking a lot. I've been craving music like it a lot recently. I'm also really getting into Fever Ray's new album. I really love the song 'Dry and Dusty' on that album. I tend to just put that song on repeat. Though every song on that album is really great. One of my favorites so far from this year. Also Lotus Plaza (another favorite of mine from this year). I'm really getting back into The Floodlight Collective again. That album was a big influence on the 'Memory Lights EP' but you probably can't tell. I can't either. But I would go into writing the songs, with a Lotus Plaza intent... and with a little Grouper in there too. No Age is also something I've been listening a whole lot to, especially their second album. They were also a big initial influence on me. They really inspired me to get into music, and I think there's a little No Age-ness to my music. Oh, alright this is the last one. Abner Jay's'the true story of Abner Jay' .... along with everything my brother listens to by proxy. Right at the moment I'm reading 'Alice in Wonderland' which has always been a favorite of mine, then after I finish it I plan on reading 'The Show That Smells.' For recent watching, I've been watching a lot of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Every time it's on I just get pulled in and can't stop watching it's calming atmosphere. Then as always, The Simpsons. That's like my all time favorite show. It's basically like a second home or something. Also just watched 'If....' which I really enjoyed.

I’m interested in the fact that you also write poetry (which youpublish on your blog). How do you feel about writing lyrics for songs?I’m not sure why, but when I’ve tried to write song lyrics at variouspoints over the years I’ve always struggled – it just seems likesomething I can’t get my head around and I don’t know why. I’minterested in hearing whether you feel that there’s a differencebetween writing poetry and writing lyrics – or do you approach themboth in exactly the same way?

I feel they're different, but I tend to approach them in the same way. I write every song like how I would write a poem, but I just kind of sing a long in my head while writing which seems to help a lot. Also when I'm working out the music for the song I'll (try to) put the lyrics in a more song like structure or to just go along with the music. Poetry has actually become really hard for me ever since I started doing music.

The bio on the Japanese Alice website mentioned that with thisrecording you tried out some new techniques and instruments – can youtalk a little about them please? Have you found out any interestingnew ideas that you might want to work on more in the future?

The biggest new instrument was a Korg synth my friend lent me. Half the album uses it and in the song 'Dream Collective' it's the only instrument besides a little ukulele. Then the drums are also a big new instrument, because before the drums were usually just a drum track of my organ or just a few second sample of me playing the drums. Which I was really stoked about, because I had wanted drums in my songs since the 'After School EP' days. For 'plastic snowman' me and my friend tried out a lot of recording techniques to make the vocals and guitars sound echoed without having to use any production effects. We would put the amp and the recorder in the bathroom and then all the instruments would be played from my room (which is like right next to the bathroom). We would also record from out in the hall or from a glass jar (that didn't work though, the recorder only picked up the vibrations from the glass). In the future, I would really like to work more with samples, and maybe finding a bass guitar to incorporate into my music.

Talking of Japanese Alice, what plans do you have with the label? Anyother stuff that’s coming out that we should keep out ears peeled for?

The next release will be by my brothers new band 'Aiko Planeterium' with an album he's yet to title. The album should be out within the month, and everybody should definitely look out for that because it's turning out really great. We don't have too many plans with the label besides Pacific Blush and Aiko as of right now, other than a few friends stating some interest in having their stuff released on Japanese Alice. We'll gladly accept any submissions.

Do you have any specific hopes or aims for your music right now? What’s next?

I would really like to somehow do a live show sometime soon, along with finding a better electric guitar. Coming up next is a four/five song EP entitled 'Fashion Chrysalis', which I actually just started to record this week so it should be out around middle to late August or early September. An electronic side project actually sounds really nice at the moment...

Pacific Blush on Myspace

Download Skeletal Gardens from Japanese Alice records

A certain kind of light

Germlin interview

The first time I ever heard of Joe Howe aka Germlin was about 3 years ago when Alex from Thee Moths said that he was putting him on at a gig in Birmingham. I believe that the two knew each other from playing gigs and being generally active in the underground Scottish music scene a few years previous to that.

If I remember rightly I think that I had to meet Joe off a train at Birmingham Snow Hill. We had some food in a Wetherspoons and then made it over to the Actress and Bishop, the pub where said gig was to take place. The gig in question ended up beginning with Alex Moth performing an impromptu stand up/spoken word set all about SatNav’s, and ended with Esquilax performing an unrecognizable, 30 minute, harsh noise version of what they claimed was Jeff Buckley’s Halleluiah, after asking the very patient barmaid to request a song for them to cover. In between that, Germlin’s set consisted of manic glitching, breakbeat computer madness and a lot of insane dancing, i.e. all good things.

Since then, under the name Germlin, Joe has been busy playing gigs all over the place, collaborating with and remixing tons of other artists (including a collaboration with Momus, on the recent Joemus project) as well as being one half of experimental pop freaks Gay Against You. Germlin has also released two albums, the latest of which – THRAS’R has been jumping round my skull so much recently that there have been times when I’ve feared that the only way to get some peace would be to indulge in a spot of old fashioned trephining. THRASH’R makes me electrified and inspired. I conducted an email interview with its creator.

And thus:

-----

OK, so THRASH’R is out – I’ve been looking forward to it since I first saw the Scumbag video appear on Youtube. Now that I think about it: that was over a year ago – what’s been happening since then? Was there a delay in getting the album out (wasn’t it gonna be released on ADAADAT records originally?)?

The easiest way to answer this is that ADAADAT would've sat on the album for at least another year (Gay against You's 2nd album being their priority) – it’s a pretty slow process in general, after finishing an album, waiting for press and pressings etc. but I just didn't want to wait any more! Other delays include waiting for vocal parts which never arrived (oh well!). Also, in a lot of ways it felt like closing the door on a chapter of music I was making, something that needed to be done - I didn't want to be taking the piss out of anyone waiting for it, also.

So with the way that THRASH’R has been released, people have been given the choice to pay what they want to pay for the record. How has this worked out? Do you find that people are more willing to pay a fair price (whatever that is) if they can see that the money is pretty much going straight into the hands of the person who made it?

I think that 'download' only albums (unless they are by Radiohead or NIN or whatever) will always sell a pretty modest amount but I definitely enjoy the directness of the process - Finish the album, finish the art, upload it all and it’s in the public domain and consumable.

How do you feel about THRASH’R? When I listen to it one of my first thoughts was that there were parts that sounded a little bit more unhinged and manic than on Youth Pixxel, and a little more akin to how you sound when you perform live; was that a conscious decision?

There was a lot of unreleased (or small-run CD-R released) music that draws more of a direct link between Youth Pixxel and Thrash'r - Check out the *free* watermelon dude zone record on last.fm for details. Yeah, I guess at the time of composing Youth Pixxel, I wasn't playing so many shows yet and gradually as time went on, the impetus for making new songs became the impetus to make music which was enjoyable to be "played live"....This is still true! I get the biggest musical kick from performing and I think most things I do are geared towards the live show. Thrash'r is perhaps also a lot less "thought - through" and therefor less labored than Youth Pixxel - I definitely set out to make a more relaxed and free-form record this time.

I’m always interested in how the creative process works for different artists (whatever their medium). Where does a song start for you? Do you just improvise and mess around and see what sounds good, or do you go into working on a piece of music with some ideas already set, or something completely different? A lot of songs on THRASH’R have ‘II’ in their name and some have ‘early’, which I guess implies that you often have a few different versions of songs before they’re ready, right?

Yeah, there's always numerous versions of tracks - as the album progresses, they tend to bump into each other and emerge as different tracks - although sometimes it’s nice to appreciate the different versions, as part of a timeline, or like siblings. A lot of this album was about "the process" of composing and recording; I guess in retrospect, the various versions / alternates are a way of showing that. I like albums where you can trace some sort of journey or progression from beginning to end.

So I’ve been reading through your blog and I see that you’re in Berlin now – how long have you been there? Was there anything specific that prompted the move, or was it that you just wanted to live somewhere new? How are you liking Berlin? Have you found many musical allies there?

I've been in Berlin for almost six months, although I stayed here to work on an album this time last year for a few months too. My partner and I have been visiting the city at every few years for a while now, and after last summer, something seemed to stick. We worked out recently that we've lived in a different place every six months for the last four or so years, which is pretty intense if you think about it. Berlin is simultaneously a very easy city to get along in, and a very challenging one - We needed a change, yet also needed a rest - the city provides both.

The music thing here is pretty funny - a lot of people are sort of hidden away, and like it like that. Most people from outside Germany move here to enable them to focus on some sort of project and will work on that pretty constantly - so there's not a lot of cross pollination and collaboration. The process of music making occurs in Berlin but is then taken elsewhere for examination.

Saying that, I've got a bunch of good friends here that I'm working on various things with; Deejay nights, live bands, recording projects, radio work....

You’ve collaborated with a fair few different people, could you talk about that a little bit – maybe who was the most fun to work with, and which stuff turned out the best perhaps? Also, now seems like the best point to ask about the work that you did with Momus? How did that come about? How did you two meet etc?

I love to collaborate - almost all of my projects involve some sort of collaborative effort but I enjoy the process of working with other people most of all – it’s very satisfying! As to what turned out best - difficult question! In regards to the album, the track with Kiki (Hitomi) works really well - Kiki sent me a bunch of pretty abstract vocal recordings (in three different languages!) and I chopped them into pieces. Then I realised the pieces didn't always fit and re-structured a lot of the song *around* the vocals. I really enjoy working like that - other people give you a great perspective on your own work.

I guess the full career of Gay Against You has been a pretty successful collaboration too! The workload between Lachlann and I is divided in some weird ways sometimes but we always seem to get stuff done in the end. It's really funny writing music with him and making stuff and being stupid at shows....

The Momus connection came about through Livejournal I suppose, I'd commented on some of Nick's Blogs and he must've spotted my music somewhere and highlighted it. I was pretty surprised, being a big fan of both his music and *internet presence*. We met in Berlin, I asked if he'd like to come to a Gay Against You show we did in a bar called KIM. I think he contacted me a couple of months later, asking if I wanted to provide the music for a cover of David Bowie's "Ashes to Ashes", which was to be included on a super-limited vinyl box set...After that, he contacted me again, asking if I'd perform a similar service on his next album. The idea was that I would send everything: snippets, ideas, half finished songs, as well as fully formed structures - Nick would digest them, add vocals, then send them back to be re-processed again. It worked pretty well, I'm very proud of that album.


Have you got any other projects on the go at the moment that you’d care to share?

I've got a new band, which is taking up most of my time right now, called 'Ben Butler & Mousepad'. The name came to me in a dream! It's sort of proggy synth pop and great fun to play live! My friend Bastian plays the drums and we have a good time.

I'm also working on another long distance project, with my friend Antonin, who lives in Tokyo. This one is sort of under wraps at the moment but expect to see some activity in the form of remixes and maybe a myspace profile.

Gay Against You is sort of due to make a small comeback in the next few months too - Our new album will be out in early august on Upset The Rhythm records (vinyl) and on Cd from ADAADAT before the end of the year - We'll be doing some shows to support it in the UK soon also!

Finally, what have you been listening to recently – any names that you’d like to pass on and recommend?

Wow! (hurriedly searches through Itunes....) Been listening to lots of old synth based music recently, from Ryuichi Sakomoto to Weather Report to Prog stuff - The Emperor Machine, Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Sax Ruins"....There seems to be a lot of cool music coming out of Belgium right now - Sun Ok Papi Ko / Baleine 3000 crew, Cupp Cave, Kania Tieffer. I'm pretty into this Scandinavian scene called "Skweee" too – it’s sort of very down tempo, funky synthesizer stuff - Check out Limonious, Daniel Savio, Joxaren. Siriusmo is making some great dance music out of Berlin, as are Slagmsmalsklubben from Sweden. I'm pretty continuously inspired by the output of Deerhoof too - check out the recent session they made for 'New, Improved' studios online!

Check out these links:

http://www.myspace.com/benbutlerandmousepad

http://silkytooth.blogspot.com/

http://www.germlin.bandcamp.com/ (buy THRASH'R!!!)

----

Enjoy!

TM

Awkward

Side on
Pink letters
Garish font
With extra
Letters in
The name
Like Rs

Fuck-me-hips
Smile that
Betrays the
Makeup

Saw your
Little sister
Dancing too

Saw the same
Eyes
You should be
More awkward

Xasthur

The Illusionist/Blank

He’s learnt this trick – he got it from some other porn stars. He employs it every time somebody cums over his face or ejaculates while he’s giving them head. The illusion is a simple one, but so effective he can barely understand how he used to handle a gob full of cum without it. It’s easy, almost anyone of a similar persuasion could get away with it, regardless of the variables – gender, age, experience – that tend to get in the way sometimes. It goes like this: he learnt that when the cum drips onto his mouth, runs over his lips, he rolls his tongue round inside his mouth and then lets a measured amount of saliva dribble out. The illusion starts here – the spunk and the spit mix together, they kinda camouflage and highlight each other at the same time. It makes him look like completely insatiable, lost, obsessed with his partner’s ejaculation, yet also retains the dignity that he keeps private, let alone the health factors that are at play. There are many more slights of hands for him to learn. He finds it’s easier with his eyes open.

I got home this afternoon after spending last night at a friend’s, who had let me crash there because I needed a night away from my dad’s ever erratic and upsetting behaviour, mainly because I’m just so worn out and haven’t got a decent night’s sleep in ages. When I walked into our living room I found my dad sitting looking like hell, with tears in his eyes.

The first thing I did was give him a hug and tell him that I loved him. Then I sat down and tried to talk to him about what was upsetting him. He talked about missing my mother, and said that he was lonely without her. I know my dad finds talking about anything to do with his emotions extremely difficult because he is such an emotionally closed off person which I think is a lot to do with his age, he’s 69, and the upbringing he had which I don’t think really involved a lot about talking about feelings and that sort of openness, in a time when I guess it wasn’t really the done thing for men to talk about that sort of stuff, especially coming from a military household like his.

So I sat, just listening for the most part, not interrupting him, just giving him time to talk and encouraging him to be honest about how he was feeling. After a while, he started putting his usual defences back up, started wiping his face and turning the television back up. He started saying that he was ok and there were no problems and that he was just going to watch TV now. I could tell that from his slurred speech and that way that he was wobbling around that he’d been drinking, as he does every day at the moment.

Sensing that perhaps because he had just been a little bit more open than usual, now might be the time for him to actually listen to what I had to say about his drinking I tried to talk to him a little bit about it. I told him that I understood why he felt sad and how much of a shock my mother’s death had been and still is for him, but I said that if he wanted to try and feel better then he needs to start trying to take better care of himself, and one way to do that was to try and sort out his problem with alcohol, because at the moment that seems to have been colouring his whole outlook on life in recent months.

Straight away he began refusing to admit that he’d been drinking. He told me that he hadn’t drunk in ages, weeks; this despite the fact that two days ago I found him in the garden pissing all over the concrete patio and all down his trousers, with his dick in his hand, stinking of whisky. I didn’t shout, I stayed calm, I spoke very kindly to him, I told him that I wasn’t criticising him or having a go at him or anything like that. I told him that the reasons for me trying to talk to him about his drinking all stemmed from the love of a son trying to help his dad.

He told me that I didn’t understand how he felt, and that he missed my mother more than myself and my brother do. I dunno, but something about that kind of self pity really started to get to me, but I still stayed calm. I told him that it wasn’t a case of any of us missing her more than anyone else or anything like that. I told him that I know that he misses his wife, but that my brother and I have also lost out mother in all of this, and that we aren’t able to grieve properly at the moment because we are constantly having to deal with and sort out the problems that have been caused by his drinking and constant denial.

It was around this point that he started getting agitated, and he told me that he was going to ignore me from now on and that if I wasn’t happy with him then I should “go and find [my] real dad” and see if I’d be happier with him. I couldn’t believe how spiteful that was. When my dad and mother adopted me, it was because social services had taken me out of a neglectful, abusive environment and put me into foster care. My biological mother was 14 when she gave birth to me, and as the story goes the man who made her pregnant could have been anyone of about five or six men, and it was never determined. So my dad saying that really hit me, really got to me. I know that it’s the drink and all of that stuff talking, but seriously I was so taken aback at the spite that made him say that to me. I would never talk to someone like that, and no matter how much I try and tell myself that he didn’t mean it and that he doesn’t realise how much pain he’s causing at the moment – it still just doesn’t cut it.

New ideas 126

- How do you know it isn’t just you?
- You mean am I paranoid?
- No – aren’t people just attracted to you because you’re attractive? I mean physically.
- Do you think I am?
- Do you?
- I can’t tell. I’ve tried, I guess to some people, yeah, but that’s not what I mean. Have you thought about fucking me?
- You must know what I have.
- How would I know?
- Just from who you are and who I am – I’ve thought about it a lot, yeah.
- Are you thinking about me now?
- Yeah … I’ve got this picture of you …
- Yeah. But whatever.
- I can’t make up my mind what I’m thinking when I think about you.

Their ferocity

Miles above looking beneath at hundreds of scenes
Barely visible
But based on what you’ve
Seen and know
In your life
You’ve got a fair idea of what might be
Making up the blurry events
That keep threatening your blindspots
That good make up a world that resembles
Some 60s pop art comic book panel

That’s their ferocity
That’s what makes them feel
Like a new night falling

Questioning motives based on old friends
Lost in email hazes and stored in your mind
Like jpegs. taking up space

Use words that make you feel more eloquent
Scream shouts that bring you back to tomorrow
Out of routine and tumbling from one wall
To another like this home hasn’t yet found the
Heart to welcome you with

Hold out your dreams
And think like water draining
From cupped hands

Rooms that never let slip

Transparent again
i.e. you
when the affairs
begin the calls always
stop dead
let me know you’re
there somewhere
amid the drawn curtains
and secret promises
to others
amid the thought out
reasoning for never
wanting to see me alone
for never wanting what
you once needed to
breath against those
wonderful skies you
pretend to understand
like the sorts of things
you know I needed
you’re going to miss this
and there will be no blame
but yours and those rooms
that never let slip and
never tell

Untitled

Sometimes there are buildings
there and sometimes there aren’t.
I try not to think about it too much,
so I don’t feel scared. Yesterday
there was a large tower block
there. It looked new, maybe not
quite finished. I think maybe there
was still a crane there. Today in the
exact same spot there wasn’t any
building, just a blank view of a black
bridge that used to serve a purpose;
something to do with the canal I
think. That was before the internet.

My mind cracking like your skin

shake///shake///shakkkkinggggggg
handssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
are too much for me to think about &
he tried//tried///tried to pass me a
leaflet advertising

a batwalk down by the river that runs
near the lake on the otherside of
the supermarket

Band Practice

The fourtrack clicked off and he turned to his friends. Seven songs in a day – all good, too – that must be a record, he thought. Maybe a couple of the tracks were a little samey but whatever. Most of the lyrics were about hatred, not that it was particularly obvious – the shrieking made everything ambiguous, he could have been singing about dog food for all that anyone else could make out.

In the corner of the room his boyfriend – that’s how he thought about him anyway, despite the fact that his friend was straight and didn’t even know that he was queer – was scribbling in a few last details on the front of what was to be the cassette cover; when it was done they could Xerox it upload it onto the internet.

As the boyfriend that wasn’t finished the piece he held it out in front of him with his arms stretched – it made his lack of biceps look even more perfect – examining it and turning it slightly like he’d momentarily forgotten what it was supposed to be.

“What do you think?” Jordan asked, as he dropped the picture onto a table and let it gently spin towards his informal employers.

Someone said the word ‘awesome’ but it was vague.

The singer, lead song writer, and general group leader slash visionary – stage name: Morbidious, real name: Eric – walked closer to the drawing. He looked Jordan in the eyes with what he hoped was a sincere love, and said: “That’s fucking insanely good man.”

Jordan nervously pushed some long brown hair behind his ears and looked at the ground smiling slightly. “Thanks.”

“I dunno dude – ” said the bassist, “if she was being raped by the lord of darkness, then surely she’d be a bit more – I dunno – upset?”

Eight pairs of eyes scrutinized the picture, mainly focussing on the expression on the wobbly face of what they perceived to be a woman in her early twenties maybe. Jordan’s eyes watched everybody elses. Eric was the first to look up again.

“No – it’s perfect.” He wanted to reassure Jordan more solidly but he had this weird block when it came to saying the right thing at the right time.

“Well whatever – it’s the songs that are the most important, right?” that was the bassplayer again. The drummer was already balancing rolling papers and a little baggy of marijuana trying to roll up , a joint. “Let’s listen to the tape all the way through.”

Jordan sat back down and started scribbling spider webs and skulls in scratchy Biro.

Itchy eyes in damp grass

My dad told me about
A boy who lived round
The corner from him when
He was young.

He said that the boy had
A big toy train set, and that
When they played with it
The track that they would
Set out would stretch
To the bottom of his friend’s
Garden. His eyes were looking
To the side, remembering
As he spoke.

It made me think of my granddad’s
Garden, which is the one where
My dad grew up.

I remember plonking an out
Of tune piano and eating
Biscuits that folded rather
Than broke, stale.

I remember nervous laughter,
Watching my grandfather in
The decline in the last few
Years of his life.

This is the first time I can
Recall my dad talking about
Being a child. I need to cling
To things like this as much
As I can right now.

I'm obsessed with how they fade

she only showed me stills
no movement
couldn't watch their chests
go up and down
grasping air

told about the history
where one of them has
ended up

how he ended up there

kept one open for hours
whenever there was
a free moment
my eyes would be back there

i'm obsessed with
how they fade

Untitled

Hair in branches
And twigs

No good to anyone
Because my eyes
Hit the picture just as
The song hit the part
That always gets to me

Almost cruel

Saw this years ago

Best not say

There was a boy that I met
At a conference about anarchism
And sexuality

Free vegan food

Out of place

Shuffling all day
Between polite
Smiles

Workshops about
Queer autonomous zones
Old cruisers mopping
Up tearooms

This guy rolled me
Cigarettes
I made a joke about
Not being able to
Afford to be
An anarchist

The boy was younger
But had probably done more
He was 20 or 21

Talked about getting
Clean told me he needed to
I said he should do whatever
He felt he needed to

6 months later
Myspace message from
His account from his friend
Who knew his password

Copy and pasted message
To everyone on his list

Don’t know how he died
Presumptions seem
Heartless
Pictures of him acting out
Smiling and happy

Joints

Email flashes up
Little popping noise
In the corner
Of my laptop

5:30am
And a message
From a someone
Who went to my school

Gave me split lip
Once called me
Queer spat in my
Face told me
I was worthless

Ten years later
And now he’s asking
Me if I’ll go round
And fuck him
Bareback
He’s never done it
Before always thought
About it

He’s horny and free
Before work
And I’m coming down
Off ecstasy
And counting shadows
Through my curtains

Thinking the morning
Light is just the same
As the afternoon

Can remember what
His voice is like
But haven’t seen his
Face
Properly

Saying he’s been bad
Saying he’s rock hard
Saying he needs me
Inside him

Almost laugh out loud
Just because the world
Is so fucking crazy sometimes
And fall back on my
Spine

This boredom

The kid didn’t even look forward once.
Just did what he was doing, stared to the side,
something out of view.

Never quite holds his attention.

This boredom
Is like
An aneurysm.

The Crying Light

My friend Sian and I went to see Antony & The Johnsons perform in Manchester last week. Antony performed with the Manchester Orchestra. At points in the show it almost felt too much. It was one of the most heartbreaking, devastating and yet hopeful, beautiful and triumphant shows I've had the fortune to see. Everything about it - the music, the vocals, the incredible stage and set design (made to resemble the crystal centre of a mountain, the ghostly laser show - was perfect. There were moments when I really did think that I would have to get up and just leave the room (the grand Manchester Opera House), the songs about death, I dunno, they just hit me far too deep. But it was beautiful. I felt touched in a way that few things seem to touch me at the moment. These probably won't really recreate the moment for me, but I thought I'd post some Antony videos. You should really listen to his latest record - The Crying Light.

Pretend it's not Summer

I’m dreading the day
That the summer
Starts doing impressions
Of your shadow.

I've promised myself
to not try and talk
to your ghost.

Pretend this never
happened, pretend
you can't hear me
missing you.

This isn't about a haunted house

Keep thinking of the white walls.
Keep thinking of the clean smells.
Keep thinking of people asleep.
Keep thinking of polite smiles
From people who never look each
other in the eye properly.

Do you realise how blind you've become?

"At the moment, I'm happy doing what I'm doing."
"Do you care that it's making me unhappy?"
That's when he laughed: "No." More laughter, not sure what words to relate it properly. Imagine something that surprises you, appalls you and makes you uncomfortable.
"Do you know what you just said?"
"I'm quite happy doing what I'm doing at the moment."
"Don't you get bored of lying?"
"I'm not lying."
"Do you really mean that you don't care that what you're doing is making me unhappy?"
"You're starting to annoy me; fuck off."
realise

Untitled

Could be anytime.
You came, and stopped caring
and you know that you've never
touched me
like I've touched you.

Nothing

I pulled a couple
of shitty fingers out
and sucked on them.

They tasted like nothing.

The smell
is really
deceiving sometimes.

Maybe there just
wasn't much
on them.

It was almost like
he'd fallen asleep, only
his dreams were interactive.

He turned his head
and gave me
the closest thing
to a smile
that he could muster
from that angle
and in his condition.

From the way
his smile registered,
I think I just stared back,
I couldn't say,
I wasn't paying attention
to my own body; sometimes
I virtually forget
that it's even there.

I spent three hours trying to convince myself not to

Shakes

She never felt more eloquent;
Than falling onto her boyfriend's bed,
Dizzy and trembling from MDMA
Shakes,
Able to embrace a selfishness
She usually tries to hide.

My relationship with the act of screaming:

Artificial light and air conditioning
Gloomy sexual 1980s gigs I’ll picture
But never be inside of.
SCREAMING for people in the
Front room to stop shouting,
I always had nightmares about
The same painting we used to have
Up
Just above the fake fireplace, the
Plastic logs that had lightbulbs
Underneath.
I don’t know when that painting
Got taken down
It was a shadow of a man
Carrying something from a farmhouse
Caught fire.
Times I’ve SCREAMED, rare but fun.
With friends, in front of strangers,
Mainly inside buildings, specific
Rooms, downstairs when I used to
Drink and tape record that stuff,
Creative purposes, making a point,
Flesh can SCREAM too, I’ve never
Held onto people for as long as
I’d like to. I’ve felt some of them
Inside out, until it felt like we both
Disappeared.

Although other bands are always saying hi, the heart of my ears will always belong to Sonik Truth

Subtext to 19 year old pop princess

You ever hear a song
On the radio and get
Confused because the
DJ seemed to not even
Notice that even though
The words were about
Love, sunshine, betrayal,
Nightclubs, drinking, sex;
The actual song was about
Some girl getting a whole
Hand put so deep inside
Her that it could wrap
Around her inner organs
And squeeze shit out of
Her soul. Just something
I happened to realise
When someone was
Driving me to work.

The good fucked up 2nd Draft/revised version

I’m watching a boy on an escalator. He’s about my age, maybe a little younger (maybe more than a little; it always forget that stuff – I don’t think I’ll ever catch up with myself). He looks tired, but when he walks off and past a couple of emo looking girls – who are pretty much all perfect skinny legs apart from their amazing eyes and cheekbones that make you feel like a camera held from above no matter where you stand – he perks up in this really complicated way. It’s like his body’s way of dealing with its horniness is to take everything in but process it so that he looks more apathetic than before. He slouches upright, all these physical contradictions; cocks his head a little bit, lets his wood brown hair flop over his eyes. It looks like he’s attempting to set off a kind of radar – one that emphasises fucked-upness but it’s ok because it’s genuine. It only comes to the surface so easily because it’s really there. I think I’m trying to say that it isn’t an act. And if it is then it’s just a projection, like someone on a stage that already has a voice but is trying to get it to the people at the back – it’s still the same voice – like I said: a projection. It isn’t a fabrication. As his eyes rip up the stockings and short black skirt and skinny black jeans as the girls go up the escalator I realise that this is an intensely genuine interaction.

The girls must have spotted him. I want to step inside their heads, see how they’re moving his body, how they imagine it to be under his black metal t-shirt.

Everyone has their own reference points. It’s impossibly perfect.

The shopping centre feels cold. The fake air and light doesn’t help.