Entry for Self-Portrait Day

“He looks different.”
“How?”
“I’m not sure – he’s changed since I last saw him.”
“Age?”
“NO. It’s not that.”
“What? I didn’t mean ... I’m sorry ... I’m not following.”
“Sorry. But I just mean ... ”
“His eyes?”
“No. That’s too ... simplistic? People make too much of eyes. Eyes have never told me anything. They scowl, cry, zone out, sparkle. I know that sounds a lot, but it’s not that much considering what ... they could do more, is what I’m saying. I guess I’m more interested in whatever something doesn’t tell me.”
“...”
“I know he’s older now. Not much.”
“He’s nine. Almost ten.”
“I want to die.”
“Listen – do you want me to give you a minute? Go and get some air. Cigarette?”
“Ha.”
“How long have you ... ?”
“An hour. It sounds ridiculous, I know.”
“No. Don’t be so ...”
“Harsh? If I hear one more person tell me ... Listen – nobody can tell me what to do because nobody else has to do it. Nobody else has to think about it in this way and nobody will have to live thinking about it afterwards.”
“I’m not judging you.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“I’m not.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“...”
“Are you just going to stand there?”
“What would you like me to do?”
“Well you can’t just stand there, not if you expect me to ... you know?”
“You want some privacy?”
“I don’t know. I’ve said that.”
“You haven’t.”
“I have.”
“I didn’t hear you.”
“I said it.”
“I’m not sure – I wouldn’t feel right just leaving you to – ”
“What are you saying?”
“Nothing.”
“What do you think I’ll do?”
“I don’t mean that. I just. It’s difficult.”
“You don’t need to tell me that.”
“Well I’m not leaving you. I can’t.”
“You’re too scared of other people. I can tell you that now.”
“This is getting stupid. I’m not here as an obstacle.”
“You’re nothing but here.”
“Everything but anywhere else?”
“Do I look like I’m in the mood to joke?”
“You don’t look like anything.”